Lord I will love you...

Perhaps you've seen the movie, Facing the Giants and you recognize that line from the movie. It has been a quote that has enabled me to hold onto the Lord throughout the many trials I have faced in the past few years. For those of you who don't know or don't remember, the wife of the coach in the movie had her heart set on becoming a mother. She seemed to be having trouble conceiving and soon discovered that it was her husband who had a problem which led to their childlessness. At one point as her husband held her, he asked her, "Will you still love the Lord if he doesn't give us a baby?" Initially she held him and wept. Later in the movie, she left her ob's office sad and dejected as she received yet again the news that she was not pregnant. As she stood in the parking lot of her doctor's office, she looked up to the heavens with tears in her eyes and said, "Lord, I will still love you, I will still love you..." Of course, if you've seen the movie you know that a nurse runs out to tell her that her test was mixed up with someone else's test and she is, in fact, pregnant. I cry every time at that point in the movie! Well, in my own life, I've experienced some bitter times as well as many blessings. Lately, I've had to deal with a great deal of struggles and hardships and it's been really difficult to deal with. I've wanted to give up, walk away, quit my life, and all that it entails. Forget homeschooling, forget attempting to live a Godly life, forget trying to be a good mom and wife... Forget it all. It is at these times when the Lord has gently whispered into my ear, "will you still love me?" Will you still love me when you're struggling? Will you still love me when it's hard, will you still love me when the doctors are telling you you're probably having a miscarriage? My answer, of course is "Yes Lord, I will still love you." It was the clearest to me on the way to the emergency room last week when I started bleeding. I was so scared, I wanted this baby so bad. I thought, "Lord, aren't we going through enough? I can't handle anything else, I can't handle losing this child!" Again I heard that gentle voice speaking to my heart. I turned to Rob, who is usually calm, but looked quite flustered as he raced to the emergency room. "Honey, regardless of what happens today, I want you to know that I will still love God." He gave me a nervous smile and replied, " I know honey, we both will." "He's our Father and we can trust him, in all things, and even in this." As I lay in the bed while the nurse searched for a heartbeat, I don't even remember breathing. I was so scared, but I was going to trust God's will in this. It seemed like time was standing still as the nurse fumbled to find the baby's heartbeat... "Where do they usually find it?" she asked. I suppose I replied, though I don't remember what I said. After what seemed like hours, I heard that familiar and oh so welcome sound of my child's beating heart. Immediately I started breathing again and the tears began to slowly cascade down my weary face. Then the floodgates opened... I couldn't stop the tears, so much so, that the nurse sounded as if she were talking to a five year old as she tried to coax me into not crying... I had decided that I was going to trust God's will if he chose to take this baby home to him, but I was relieved that he allowed us to continue to anticipate the birth of our new little one. I'm still not out of the woods according to my many doctors (four now), but either way, whatever happens in my life or with this precious one growing in my womb, I have decided that I will love God no matter what.